Saturday, April 21, 2012

Male Pattern Blindness

Male Pattern Blindness sounds like a curse, but it's really a gift. Male Pattern Blindness gets us cursed at, but it's not a curse.
   Male Pattern Blindness is the masculine ability to not see what we really don't want to see. It's not a matter of pretending we don't see it. Male Pattern Blindness can actually make things disappear. Children of both genders exhibit Male Pattern Blindness at an early age, but it goes dormant in the female of the species and often stays that way. In adult females, what appears to be Male Pattern Blindness is actually quite formidable and dangerous. It's called "You'll Pay For This When I'm Damn Good And Ready To Make You Pay For This". I fear the YPFTWIDGARTMAYPF--which is, of course, short for "You'll Pay For This When I'm Damn Good And Ready To Make You Pay For This".

   I'm often in trouble for leaving my dirty socks next to the laundry chute. I say without lying, "What dirty socks?"
   Male Pattern Blindness.
   She takes me by the hand. Puts my hand on the laundry shoot door. "Can you feel it?" She asks. "This little door?"
   "Then why don't you put your socks down there?"
   "Can't see it."
   "But you just felt it."
   "Oh, I see the door."
   "Then what don't you see?"
   "Pile of dirty socks."
Then I duck. I have to. She tries to knock the sight into me.

    Male Pattern Blindness strikes at times that seem convenient to the male. This is a matter of evolution, not convenience. We should be respected, not mocked, for dealing with such a crippling gender handicap.
   I'm gifted with a lack of a sense of smell. That ability by itself isn't enough to get me out of cleaning the cats' littler box. Male Pattern Blindness to the rescue!
   That conversation sounds like this:
   Her: Why didn't you clean the litter box?
   Me: It didn't stink.
   Her: It's next to the toilet, and you pee standing up. No excuse!
   Me: It's next to the toilet?
   Turns out it is. I didn't see it. It's under the roll of toilet paper. I never looked down that far, or if I did, it was an attempt to see the toilet. As wives and mothers can attest, Male Pattern Blindness often manifests as an almost magical ability to miss the toilet.

Male Pattern Blindness also explains why we can't--we're incapable most of the time--lower the toilet seat. When we lift it, it's out of sight. It ceases to exist. I got in trouble once when she yelled at me for leaving the seat up.
   She said, "I almost fell in!"
   I replied, "If you watched where you were going..."

See Dave run? Run, Dave, run!

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