Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I Ain't Afraid Of The Neti Pot!

It seemed like either a bad joke, or a really bad idea--the neti pot. I must confess that when my wife told me a couple of years ago that I should use that little teapot thing to dump water in one nostril, have it swirl around my brain behind my eyeballs and dribble snot out my other freakin' nostril I thought she had finally finished going around the bend to join me on the far side of nutso.
  As is my wont, I jumped online and looked into that infernal gadget called the Neti Pot. Turns out it's an ancient thing, invented in India a really long time ago. I know some folks from India, and had never seen them drain anything out either nostril...but, you know, that's the kind of thing one does NOT do at a bus stop or diner. As far as I know, it's some kind of sport or drinking game confined to the home.
   The trouble is, I'm allergic to antihistamines. If I take even half a tablet of any antihistamine, I'll find myself (if I'm lucky) on a heart monitor in a hospital. I took a couple of Comtrex tablets while in college and ended up on a heart monitor for three hours with a pulse rate over over 300 beats a minute.

   Last year I had a head cold. I couldn't take anything for it. I couldn't take it. I needed to breathe. After receiving e-Beatings by several Facebook friends, and some gentle nudging (involving a long-handled fork) from my wife, I relented.
   I asked for her help with the Evil Neti Pot From Hell. She put salt in the water. She had me tilt my head. She poured--POURED--water through that tea pot thingie into my right nostril. I felt random gunk go down my throat and voiced gargled protestations. She warned me to shut the hell up. I felt (believe it or not) that saltwater make a loop-de-loop above my nose, through my skull...
   ...and suddenly I was a-drippin' gunk down the sink through my left nostril.
   That made me laugh.
   Word to the wise: DON'T LAUGH when you're dribbling snot out the wrong nostril. It's not pretty. Tastes bad, too.
   Then we did the other nostril. Not only could I hear the ocean through my ears, I could taste it too.

But I'll tell you... IT WORKS!

For the first time in days I could breathe. Freely. Easily. I slept like a baby. A salty baby, but a peacefully at rest baby. It was awesome.

Now I: use that teapot from hell when I'm stuffed up. Use it all by myself, too. For fun, sometimes I add a little bit of green or blue food coloring (yeah, I'm kidding...for now.)

No comments: