"Blackout: A Look Inside Wernickes" --closing paragraphs

I finished the first draft a few minutes ago. The book I'm writing, Blackout: A Look Inside Wernickes", which will be available for purchase in a week or two, is ready for final edit and publication. The book contains the text of Green Goblin, as well as details of my struggle with Korsakoffs.

I thought I would share the closing paragraphs with you. The 'how it came to be' is what makes up the rest of the book, a short book of 140 pages.

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Sobriety

I remember what the doctor I mentioned earlier in the book said about having one or two being okay. I’m not going to do it. In my case, it isn’t okay. I’ve “slipped” once or twice, but not often. The slips are followed by a period of self-anger I don’t like. I don’t do that anymore. On those couple of occasions when tested myself, and had a beer, I paid for it with bouts of dread and uneasiness in 24-48 hours. It’s not worth it.

I’ve had foods prepared with alcohol in the recipe: a beer dumped on hamburgers prior to grilling, in a rum cake, and maybe one or two recipes others prepared. Same deal as above: uneasiness, and random twinges of unidentified fear. Now I ask if there is alcohol in the preparation of food, and if there is, I have something else.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t times when I would love to sit down and drink a few beers. There are times when it sound great. Then I don’t do it. I just don’t. I have too much to lose, and I’m not going back to that dark place with the red hills. Sobriety is key. I still have no desire to attend AA meetings, though I know they help a lot of people. I do my best when I don’t think about drinking, and do other things with my time, like write, and cook, and bake, and read, and spend time with my wife, and, and, and...

I still enjoy situations where alcohol is present. I like bar environments, and restaurants, and parties. I actually like them better now that I’m sober. Some people who have had struggles with alcohol and alcoholism don’t or can’t be around those situations, and most people respect that. I think I’m lucky I can go anywhere and not drink. If it bothered me I would avoid those situations, and that’s probably not easy. In my present, paying job (other than writing books), I spend hours at a time less than ten feet away from the bar. Not only does it not bother me, I like it.

You see, my friend, every time I don’t drink...every day I’m sober, every night I fall asleep sober...I win. When I go to the grocery store or drug store, I go out of my way to walk past the beer, wine, and booze. If you’re next to me you might hear me hum and chant, “Nee-ner-nee-ner-NEE-NER!” I’m singing to the containers. I won.

I’m not going to play again, mind you, but I won.

It's not easy to write about Wernicke-Korsakoffs, but I feel like I have to do it.

I survived Wernickes, and although I have Korsakoffs, few know it unless I tell them. That makes me a rarity, unfortunately. I wish everyone recovered from that set of serious illnesses, I wish no one suffered from it, I wish no family member had to deal with a loved one who is lost to either illness. I wish more people knew about the disease, if the other wishes can't come true.
   I wish a lot of things. Wishing isn't enough. I wrote a little book called Green Goblin, and it's selling some copies. It's a good little book if I do say so myself, and I hope more people read it. Green Goblin is my account of the acute phase of the illness, the part that takes place in the hospital for the lucky ones. Undiagnosed and untreated, Wernickes can be fatal.
 Green Goblin is good as far as it goes. Few who have had Wernickes have ever, and I mean ever described what it was like. Most can't. And since I can, I felt I should. I felt I had to do it.
   I wrote that book a couple of years ago, and now I feel I have to take the next step. I have to face the disease again...this time from the comfort of my chair. This time from the discomfort of my chair. I'm sober, but have to look back on getting sober, if I have any hope of helping people get to and through what I had to go to and through.
   I intend to give it my best shot. I'm not sure when I'll be done with it, but look for an announcement here when I finish and publish it. I think the writing of it will go quickly. I think when I peel away the mental bandages and examine the wound, I'm going to want to rip away the gauze and look fast.

My recovery from Korsakoffs...a progress update

I wrote a little book I chose to call Green Goblin. As far as I know, it's the only depiction from the patient's point of view, of the acute phase of Wernicke's Encephalopathy. (This isn't a commercial, but if you're interested in buying the book, there's a link on this blog.)

This is the rest of the story in a nutshell.

If you read much at all about Korsakoff's, you'll find that memory problems are listed as the biggest problem of the disease. That's true. It's not a matter of forgetting things; it's more a matter of having things vanish from the brain. Vanish. As if they were never there in the first place. When that happened to me, I wouldn't even have the memory of having the memory. Reminders were useless.

After seeing a neuropsychologist, we decided it would be helpful for me to carry a small digital recorder to record things I might forget. I did. Over time, I needed it less and less. I still have it with me and I still make little notes to myself, but it's very rare that I won't remember making the note.

The other problem I have from the disease is neuropathy. It's not neuropathy that involves numbness...it's a painful neuropathy. Sometimes the pain is in my legs, and sometimes it's in the shoulder, and sometimes it's in the hands. It used to be difficult for me to walk.

No... I'm not hawking a miracle cure. There isn't one. I will tell you that Thiamin (Vitamin B1) and complete sobriety are the 2 controllable keys to my recovery. (The uncontrollable is faith, by the way, and love from loved ones.)

I saw a few neurologists after I was released from the hospital for Wernickes. Each was a little helpful, but interestingly, all said I didn't need to take vitamin b1 supplements. They all said it wouldn't improve my condition. The good people at Dukeries Health Care in the United Kingdom (Google it. They know their stuff) treat the disease with vitamin supplements. I met someone online (and I really appreciate it Karen) who told me to take thiamin and keep taking thiamin.

Know what? The pain stopped...most of the time. When the pain comes back, I take some thiamin and I feel better in about 20 minutes.

I think I still forget things from time to time, but nothing like I did early on. Some will say that the damaged brain doesn't heal, some will read this and think that maybe I didn't have the disease. I think both assumptions are incorrect. I don't know much about the healing powers of the brain, but I know this--I don't forget like I used to forget. Some, maybe. More than others, probably...but I don't have those magic blanks anymore. As for whether I had the disease: I have the medical records. I had it; no question.

To those with a loved one who suffers from the disease, I offer this: there is hope. Help the patient by reminding them constantly that there is hope.

I won't kid you... I think healing is unlikely. Sobriety and thiamin are keys, but there's one more. The last is simply this: the patient has to be a stubborn S.O.B who believes in himself/herself and is shockingly unwilling to give up.

Hope and care for sufferers of wernickes and korsakoffs, and a salute for those who serve them

On behalf of the patients who might not be able to express their appreciation to the staff, and on speaking as a man who had extraordinary care when I was afflicted, I say thank you. I'm attaching a link to Dukeries Health Care, in the United Kingdom. The site is full of information about the condition/conditions as well as photos of what looks to be a pleasant place. These people understand the illness. Although it is a rare illness, it is a serious one. Some might want to blame the sufferers of wernickes and korsakoffs for their condition, but I think that's the easy way out. Alcoholism is a disease. Trust me... I understand the temptation to place blame for it. God knows I struggle with self blame more than I suffered from quitting drinking... 

Take a moment, if you would be so kind, to learn a little bit about wernickes and korsakoffs. Maybe you can help prevent a friend from suffering from it, or if you know someone suffering from it, perhaps you can understand what's going on.

http://dukerieshealthcare.co.uk/ChampionCrescent.aspx

They were also kind enough to place a link to "Green Goblin" (my story of my fight with wernickes) on their site. I hope it can help someone, even if it's only in a small way.

I'm excited about a couple of things...

I'll mark this first one in my calendar because it makes me happy for reasons I don't fully understand: Someone, somewhere in the United Kingdom bought Green Goblin for their Kindle. The Sexton books have been up on Amazon UK for a couple of months with no sales, and I was beginning to wonder if any of my stuff would sell on Amazon there. I guess it shouldn't surprise me that Green Goblin was my first sale in the UK. They're waaaay ahead of the US in terms of recognizing and treating Wernicke-Korsakoff disease.

I'm also excited, for different reasons, about Smashwords.com. Smashwords publishes eBooks in all formats. I uploaded all three (to date) Sexton Chronicles books as well as Green Goblin, and Smashwords converted them to epub, kindle, Sony Reader, Palm Reader, PDF, RTF, and other formats I don't remember at the moment. You can buy/download books from there and read samples there. 

The other thing Smashwords did for me is made the Sexton books easy to find with a simple Google search. The books appear with all kinds of URLs that lead to free samples, and ultimately to the books. Very, very cool.

If you have an electronic reader, take some time to check out www.smashwords.com And it won't hurt my feelings any if you buy one, or two, or four of mine while you're there!