Monday, June 4, 2012

Attempt to Start A New National Holiday -- You Bastard, You Bastard.

I told the clerks at the Dollar General store it was National You Bastard Day. (They were already laughing at something else when I stepped to the counter, those two young ladies.) I don't know what tick of the brain makes me try things like this, but something triggered my funny bone when I went to the Dollar General store this afternoon.
   The smiling woman with the ponytail said, "That'll be $5.95."
   I said, "It's National You Bastard Day. You're supposed to say, You bastard, you bastard, after every comment. It's a friendly, you bastard, you bastard, not a mean one. Spreads joy around the room."
  They laughed.
  I said, "Here's six dollars, you bastards, you bastards."
  They laughed. "Five cents is your change," the one with the ponytail said.
  "...You bastard, you bastard..."
  They laughed again. "I can't say that," she giggled. "There are people behind you."
  "Those bastards, those bastards..." I grinned on my way out the door.
  I put my purchases on the front seat, and remembered the reason I went to the Dollar General in the first place was my new-found love of the generic grape soda. I don't know what possessed me to buy it in the first place, but I bought a two-liter bottle of it for 89 cents and to my surprise, I like the stuff.
   I went back in and the two clerks were alone again, having taken care of the other customers with the speed of light, and, I'm sure, without the you bastard, you bastard, I had instructed them was important on this new national holiday.
   I picked up a bottle of the generic grape soda and walked again to the counter. I said, "I got in the car and a voice said, You forgot the grape soda, you bastard, you bastard." 
   They laughed. One rang me up and told me the price. I said, "You forgot to add you bastard, you bastard. How can we perpetuate this National You Bastard, You Bastard day if we don't stick to tradition?"
  She said, "I would really like to...but there's people..."
  I raised a finger, kindly. "There's people, you bastard, you bastard."
  The other clerk had to walk away. She was caught in a fit of giggling. There were two older ladies behind me. I told them it was National You Bastard, You Bastard Day, and I wished them a happy one. My wife says I'm lucky I'm a cute little devil. Both of the older ladies, and the clerk were laughing.
  Have a nice day! ...You bastard, you bastard. I'm sure that was their parting thought as I walked back to my car with my grape soda. 

No comments: